Is Anybody Listening

Is Anyone Really Listening?

Perhaps the best way to be heard is to learn how to listen.

It seems like everyone is shouting louder and louder every day. Whether online, on the street, in the checkout line, or in the halls of congress. But is anyone really listening? Couples therapists often say that the reason a partner raises their voice to the other is because they do not feel they are being heard. We learn very early on in childhood that the louder and more emotively we communicate, the more likely someone will stop and begin to pay attention to us, hopefully resulting in getting some unmet need fulfilled.

David Poeppel, a professor of psychology and neural science at New York University and scream researcher (Scientist Now Know Why We Scream) discovered during his research that, “In brain imaging parts of the experiment, screams activate the fear circuitry of the brain [of those hearing the scream],” he goes on to say. “The amygdala is a nucleus in the brain especially sensitive to information about fear.”

In other words, screams trigger a heightened awareness in our brains that can set off a series of emotional reactivity. Unfortunately, when screaming induces fear in the listener, it impairs our cognitive abilities to think rationally and problem solve. So that begs the question, is shouting louder an effective means for being heard? If we truly want to get our needs met long term, perhaps we need to shift the paradigm and focus more on how we are listening. Instead of shouting louder, I invite you to listen better instead.

• If we truly want to get our needs met long term, perhaps we need to shift the paradigm and focus more on how we are listening.

Avrum G. Weiss, Ph.D., in his article, But I am Listening to You, outlines three different types of listening: listening to content; listening between the lines; and listening relationally. Allow me to flesh out these three types of listening in greater detail.

Listening to words versus listening to be understood —

When listening for content, we tend to focus mostly on the words that are being said. At the rate that the average person speaks, this can be a daunting task in and of itself. When we focus our attention solely on the words, we often miss context, intentionality, and subtext.

We can break listening for content down even further. There is appreciative listening and comprehensive listening.

Appreciative listening or listening for enjoyment or entertainment.

This type of listening usually encompasses casual conversations. You’re having coffee with a friend and sharing stories, talking about the latest movies, or just catching up.

Comprehensive listening or listening to learn something new.

This is where you are trying to acquire knowledge. It could be in a classroom or training session or watching a YouTube DIY video. Typically this type of listening is geared toward data and facts.

Listening between the lines involves greater focus and the use of multi-sensory input. With this type of listening, you are no longer solely focussed on the words, but you are also taking in body language, intonation, emotional energy, and you are keenly aware of context.

This type of listening is often called critical listening, or listening to evaluate and problem solve. This is where we often see the shouting begin and listening begin to break down. There are several reasons for this.

First and foremost, the breakdown stems from a shift away from the “between the lines” part of listening. Instead of focusing on the speaker and how/why the message they are sharing is being delivered, we shift our focus to ourselves and how the message is impacting us.

Don’t be me wrong. It is very important to be aware of how you are receiving a message when trying to become a better listener. Noticing what is getting triggered in you is a critical part of the effective listening process. When you are aware of a message's impact on you, you are better prepared to let that reactivity flow through you and out of you, then you can refocus your energies back to the speaker.

• Noticing what is getting triggered in you is a critical part of the effective listening process.

Second, we shift our focus away from the message itself and onto what it is that we want to express. When this happens we not only stop listening between the lines, but we also drift away from listening to content. We are much more interested in waiting for a gap or pause in the conversation so that we can insert our point of view.

Again, self-awareness is key to overcoming this derailment. When you sense in yourself that you are rehearsing mentally what you are going to say next, or how the idea that just popped into your head connects with the speaker—pause, reshift your focus back to the speaker, and trust that, when and if the opportunity arises, you will be able to share your thinking in a natural and organic way.

Third, our personality can often get in the way of critical listening. If you tend to be a problem solver, you are going to have a tendency to go right to problem fixing and as a result, you wind up missing a lot of information being shared between the lines. One way to circumvent this is to start off important conversations with a basic clarifying question— “Would you like me to help you problem-solve this situation, or is this a case where you mostly want to feel understood and supported by me?” The simple act of asking this question can begin to build trust between you and the speaker. This will be helpful when we move to listening relationally.

• “Would you like me to help you problem-solve this situation, or is this a case where you mostly want to feel understood and supported by me?”

If the speaker says they would like help with problem solving, then it’s okay to concentrate a little more on content and and a little less on emotions and body language. However, emotions and body language are both still very important to problem solving. These between the lines messages will help to clue you in on what is really important to the speaker and may also guide you to where the real problem lies. Also, when problem solving, be careful that you do not slide into listening for gaps in the conversation to insert your ideas as mentioned above.

If the speaker says they need understanding and support, more of your energy goes into listening between the lines. The emotions and body language take center stage. However, do not overlook the content. There is nothing worse than when someone expresses sympathy and caring, but hasn't heard a word you have said.

Before we get to listening relationally, let’s pause and dive a little deeper into the importance of learning to read emotions and body language.

• Total Emotion/Attitude Communicated = 7 percent Verbal + 38 percent Vocal + 55 percent Facial

Albert Mehrabian, Mind Tools, a researcher of body language, who first broke down the components of a face-to-face conversation. He found that communication is 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words only. This is where the idea that the vast majority of communication is nonverbal originated. So according to this research, less than 10% of information is conveyed in spoken words.

That is why online communications—texts, emails, comments, social media posts, etc. often become problematic when attempting to communicate context, emotions, and subtext. Without the additional input from body language or tone of voice, extra caution must be taken when choosing the words you use in your message. And emojis can only help with the above to a limited extent.

However, when you are having a face to face conversation with a partner, a colleague, a student, or a child, you are afforded much more information than mere words on a page to decipher meaning and develop greater understanding. It is invaluable to take advantage of that. This is why I postulated at the start of this piece that listening might be the best way to get your message across and get more of your needs met. So this brings us to...

Listening relationally or what is often referred to as empathic listening. Empathic Listening is listening for understanding and connection. It is about going beyond mere words to bridging differences and forming connections.

As we start examining empathic/relational listening, let’s start with what it is not:

• Lecturing

• Venting

• Generalizing

• Blaming

• Defending

• Interrogating

• Pretending

• Moralizing

• Explaining

• Fixing

• Warning

• Disagreeing

• Rambling

• Tuning out

• Interrupting

• Reassuring

• Monologging

• Analyzing

• Changing the subject

• Multi-tasking.

Listening empathically entails making an emotional connection with the other person and finding similarities between their experience and your own. Remember, as Dylan Marron says, “Empathy is not endorsement.” Rather, it is creating an undefensive space where the speaker feels confident and encouraged to speak. When a speaker feels this level of confidence and connection, they are much more likely to return the favor and offer the same to you. Once a person feels heard, they are much more likely to listen to you. The volume then gets turned down, the amygdala calms, and rational and responsive problem solving can take place.

• Once a person feels heard, they are much more likely to listen to you.

There are two types of empathy that can come into play to varying degrees during the listening process.

Affective empathy — the ability to feel the emotions of others.

This is the type of empathy that often triggers strong passions and emotions in the listener. Because it is often felt on a visceral level, it is important to be aware of. It can often shut down the listening process, and shift the dynamic right into problem solving, defensive distancing or even compassion fatigue.

Cognitive empathy — the ability to understand and have compassion for the emotions of others without experiencing them.

This is the type of empathy that helps to build connections and bridge differences. Nurturing this type of empathy during the listening process can lead to consensus, compromise, and collaborations.

That is why being mindful of the present moment, and of your presence during a discussion is so important. It is all part of developing your personal emotional intelligence. It is important because empathic/relational listening requires:

• Focused attention

• Patience

• Learning to be comfortable with silence

• Guarding against judgment

• Working to keep the speaker from becoming defensive

• Paying attention to what is not being said (body language)

• Encouraging the naming of emotions and physical sensations

• Validating emotions.

This is where the work of empathy really comes into play. You do not have to agree with the other person, but try to find a place of connection and understanding. When you are better able to truly hear someone else’s message, you will be better able to craft your own. You will have created a safe and supportive environment where everyone has a chance to be heard. At that point, there will be no need for anyone to shout.