How to Process Current Events with Young Children

How to process recent events with young children

By DM Gilsdorf

As an early childhood teacher, it is a question with which I have been wrestling over the past week (well, if I am being completely honest, for nearly all of my teaching career). I can only imagine that many of our homes, in which we are forced to remain during the pandemic, have been filled with the sights and sounds of the grief, anger, violence, frustration, and hopelessness of the past days. Young children are porous beings who have yet to develop the callouses that life often brings. They absorb the energy and emotions around them, even if you think they are contentedly playing in the other room. They read the worry and fear on your face. They know that something is not right in their world, first with the pandemic, and now with the unrest over the centuries of injustices that have plagued our country. So, as the adults in the world, what are we supposed to do?

Here is what I have to offer.

First, Feel — Before sitting down with your child to process the events of the past week, check in with yourself to see who you are bringing to the interaction with your child. If you are struggling with a multitude of emotions which you are unable to control, then let that be the place where you start. Share how you are feeling. Try and use an expansive vocabulary, not just good or bad, happy or sad. We don’t want to simply leave it at labelling feelings. Share with your child about how your body feels, in what parts of your body are emotions, “My chest feels tight around my heart and it feels like it is hard to take a deep breath sometimes.” We want to encourage children to process emotions holistically and not just intellectually.

By sharing our feelings, we create an environment where children can safely share theirs and together we can talk about what we are experiencing. What is not helpful is trying to shield your child from your feelings. In fact, I find that concealing feelings from our children often leads to the development of unrealistic attitudes about how they are “supposed” to respond, as well as, perfectionistic tendencies. It is important to validate your child’s feelings, as well as your own. Then be sure to follow up with reassurance that you are there for them and let them know what concrete steps you are taking to keep them safe.

Second, Pause — If you find yourself in a heightened state of arousal, your brain is not capable of clearly processing a difficult situation. This is probably not a good time to help your child process. As a class, we have talked about how the brain works. If your amygdala (primal brain) is sounding an alarm, it slows down your brain’s access to the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) and the hippocampus (memory center) thus prohibiting you from doing your best thinking. Take some time together to re-center. Go for a walk, do some yoga, cuddle, take some deep breaths.

Third, Listen and Observe —Really take the time to listen to what your child is trying to express to you right now. It may not be in words, but rather behaviors. Do not go looking for problems or anxieties. It is not about diagnosing your child, but rather connecting with your child on a deeper level.

Fourth, Ask Questions — Check in with your child. This is more difficult than it may seem. Often, OUR worries and concerns get hijacked into stirring up worries and concerns in others. We don’t need to go in search of problems that don’t exist. What we do want to do is create an environment where children can openly share their questions, concerns, and emotions. Difficult times like these are a great time to build a relationship of trust with your child. We want them to feel that they can come to us no matter what and we will give them honesty in return. A good question with which to start is, “Tell me what you know about what is going on right now?” “How do you think people are feeling right now?”

Fifth, Answer Honestly — As your child shares their questions and concerns, respond with openness and honesty. Be careful not to over-answer (there is no need to retell the entire history of injustice in our country at this time —save that for another day). Sometimes, as adults, we can get caught up in doing our own processing of issues while talking with young children and as a result we overwhelm children and wind up adding to their confusion. Be clear and specific. Do not talk down to your child, dismiss, or trivialize, “Oh, this is nothing you need to worry about.” If we dismiss their questions and concerns, we begin to lay down the foundation for mistrust. If they feel like they cannot come to you with hard questions and get a legitimate response, then they will simply stop coming to you and go elsewhere for their information. And know that it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” We do not need to always show our children an Instagram version of ourselves, perfected, all knowing, and in control. What is more helpful is showing them that everyone, including mom and dad, struggle with difficult things and problems and then model for them how we go about working with those struggles and difficulties.

Sixth, Teach — Research has shown that by the time children are 3 or 4 they are socialized into cultural norms. You are, and will always be, your child’s most influential teacher. Right now is an amazing time in our country’s history from which to learn and teach.

•Inform Yourself — This past week’s events did not just happen in a vacuum. If you are unsure or unaware of what is going on in our country right now and why, then take the time to find out. There are plenty of resources out there. If this is all brand new to you, I would recommend, Waking Up White by Debby Irving.

•Start with Empathy — Modern brain science has shown that the empathy centers in children’s brains are shrinking. There are a lot of theories out there as to why this is, but there is growing research that also shows that we can develop these areas of the brain. One simple thing you can do is to read fiction with your child. Brain scans of children show that considerably more of their brains light up when they are sitting in the lap of a parent reading a book than when they are watching something on an electrical device.

Here is a great link with 13 Books to Spark a Conversation About Empathy.

Whenever you are reading a story with children, it is a good idea to pause every now and then and ask your child, “How do you think this character is feeling right now.” Attempt to assist your child in the process of taking on another person’s experience or point of view. Fairness is a tricky concept for young children as they emerge from a more ego-centric stage of development into a more outward expansiveness. Young children at this stage tend to see things as only being unfair if it is something that is happening to them and not others. That is why it is so crucial to work on developing empathy so that they begin to comprehend the experiences of others.

•Talk About Race — As mentioned above, it is not too early to start teaching your child about race. Here is a link to an article that shares some tips on how, Talking with Young Children 0-5 About Race. At the bottom of that article is a list of additional resources that are worth checking out.

I would suggest that a good place to start is by making a concerted effort to seek out stories with main characters from different races and cultures. Our culture is inundated with white representation in the media, in books, in toys, in advertising, etc. There is no need to go seeking additional examples, they will find their own way into your home.

Diverse Book Finder

5 Black Children’s Authors and Illustrators You Should Know

1000 Black Girl Books Resource Guide

American Indians in Children’s Literature

31 Children’s Books to Support Conversations on Race, Racism, and Resistance

Seventh, Act — Get involved in change. Whether it is buying groceries for those who have lost access to food and necessities in their neighborhood or donating to reconstruction of business damage, or attending a protest or rally. Get involved and involve your child. Feeling like we are contributing helps us to process our anxiety, anger, and grief. With children, it helps them to develop empathy and provides a sense of hope and autonomy. Whatever you do, don't stop! Don't stop learning. Don't stop talking. Don't stop working for change.

Finally — I just want to ask, please refrain from using the phrase, “All lives matter.” This is a generic term that downplays racism and takes the focus away from the issue at hand. The slogan #blacklivesmatter does not mean other’s lives do not. It is calling attention to the institutional systems of racism and oppression that say that black lives do not matter.

Here are some additional resources —

Trusted Resources for Talking to Children and Families about Race and Social Justice

How to talk to your children about protests and racism

3 Lesson of Revolutionary Love in a Time of Rage

75 Things White People can do for Racial Justice

Education Minnesota – Ways to Support and Help Minnesotans Seeking Social Justice

The 60-minute special Coming Together: Standing Up to Racism. A CNN/Sesame

Street Town Hall for Kids and Families will air on Saturday, June 6, at 9am (CST).

Podcast Episode: Talking to White Kids about Race and Racism